


Code Name: White Knight

by Sage_Kazankov



Series: Code Name: White Knight [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Character Development, Dating, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Fighting, First Crush, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Dating, First Time Topping, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Loss of Virginity, Love at First Sight, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Mutilation, Mutual Masturbation, Mystery, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Plot Twists, Prejudice, Protection, Psychopath, Romantic Fluff, Self Loathing, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Lubrication, Sex Talk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:45:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8909623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sage_Kazankov/pseuds/Sage_Kazankov
Summary: Juuzou Suzuya was lost. He had been ever since his partner, Shinohara, was hospitalized for a mistake he made.When he meets a stranger at a local sweet shop Juuzou couldn’t help but be intrigued when this person actually spoke to him. This encounter, cut short by a new assignment: the 17th District where a Ditch Digger binge eater wreaked havoc, left Juuzou wanting to see the stranger again.Together, Juuzou and his new partner Kaneki track down the binge eater a little too easily and they find out why when Aogiri Tree attack, overwhelming them with sheer numbers.When all seemed lost and Juuzou would never see the mysterious stranger again a new ghoul defends them both with a strength neither had ever seen. And worst yet, this ghoul didn’t use its kagune in the chaos that nearly killed them.They code name this ghoul White Knight but was this ghoul a friend or their worst nightmare?





	1. Rude Little Thing

**Author's Note:**

> One chapter a week will go live every Wednesday.
> 
> These are not beta'd. Interested? Contact me!
> 
> I also keep my blog up to date on everything happening with my fics plus teasers.
> 
> sagekazankov.wordpress.com

Today was a beautiful day. Least Juuzou thought that was what he was supposed to think. The sun was out and it wasn’t too hot out, which was odd for this time of year but nice, least he thought it was supposed to be nice. In truth he didn’t care at all.

He weaved his way through the masses towards a new dessert shop. Everyone at headquarters was talking about it, well not to him, he just overheard good things, excellent things making him anxious to try it. He made sure to go when he thought no one else would be there. If he was seen outside of the building most of his fellow CCG Investigators ignored him, all except for Kaneki, his new partner.

The word partner left a sour taste in his mouth for more reasons than one. For starters a ghoul shouldn’t have been allowed to join them. They were apart of the problem, not the solution.

The shop came into view flaring his sweet tooth. He was notorious for eating candy while in meetings instead of paying attention. No one ever said anything to him since he always got the job done but he still saw the higher-ups scowling at him when he did. Not that he cared.

The bell chimed announcing his arrival to his fellow patrons and the staff. People seemed to part for him when they bothered to notice him. They melted away, not that it mattered. Most often it allowed him ample opportunity to make his choices unhindered.

Cakes and cookies caught his eye but so did a rather obnoxious milkshake with every kind of candy dripping from the mountain of cream on top.

Juuzou’s musings for the morning evaporated away under the very important matter of what to try first.

What to choose?

What to choose?

So many choices.

Decisions. Decisions.

So many decisions.

One particular piece of chocolate cake captured his attention along with a candied fruit smoothie.

With his order placed Juuzou stepped aside to simply observe. To others in the shop he seemed to fade away into the backdrop leaving him nearly invisible. He could tell by the way they looked at him or rather didn’t look at him at all. It was as if everyone made it a point to not look his way or even acknowledge he existed at all. Even the cashier when taking his order tried her best to avoid looking directly at him.

He wasn’t ugly, he knew that much, so that wasn't it. Juuzou also made sure to shower regularly, though not for the sake of other’s noses. If he didn't then the dried blood from his work would begin to itch and that just wouldn't do.

With a small sigh, his gaze traveled the shop from one end to the other. Nothing and no one caught his interest until he noticed another customer, this one sitting alone while reading a paper. A physical paper at that. How odd. Everyone these days read the digital version, himself included. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen someone with an actual, physical paper.

A half of cup of coffee sat forgotten along with an empty plate and another plate with a half eaten piece of the same cake he had ordered.

Whoever this person was left the identity of their gender completely up to the observer. This person could be a man or a woman, he or she was even more androgynous than Juuzou was. Not that he set out to confuse the general public, it was just how he liked to dress. His longer hair these days didn’t help the matter.

This person’s hair was shorter in the back and longer in the front, it fit his or her face well. It appeared black but when the light hit, it shined a deep blue. Green eyes moved over the paper and several rings decorated their fingers, some sat at their joints. This person wore a light grey hoodie under a black suit jacket with tight dark jeans and dark green boots. A discarded pile from the paper sat on the table.

He or she turned the page and flicked it to get it just so. Their rings caught the sun from the window and a flash of silver shot straight to his core. The room was dark, the scraping of metal against metal grinded his nerves. A flame of light, a candle, caught the silver instruments Momma hung on the wall…

Juuzou stepped backward but came up short when the wall smacked his shoulders, jarring him back to the sweet shop. His hands shook. He clenched both into fists to hide it. Luckily, like always, no one seemed to notice him at all.

The forgotten paper pile drew his attention. Maybe something to read would distract him?

In only a few steps Juuzou was at the table, his hand reaching out to the pile.

“You certainly are a rude little thing, aren’t you?” The person said without looking up from their paper. There was an attitude, a self awareness to their voice Juuzou wished he had.

He blinked then looked around, with no one else near them he was quite taken aback. “Are you talking to me?” No one ever talked to him on purpose.

Whoever this person was lowered their paper to look at him, actually look at him. “Whom else could I possible be talking to, Rude Little Thing?”

Juuzou blinked. Whoever this was had a British accent but spoke Japanese flawlessly. “Oh, okay.” He said with a “Juuzou smile,” as others had called it, unsure of what to do now.

“If you want a paper you’ll have to buy your own.” The voice didn’t give away this person's gender identity either.

He blinked again. “But you’re finished with these.” He said while pointing to the pile.

“Am I?” Green eyes took him in and for once Juuzou cursed that he couldn’t read other people very well. For some reason he really wanted to know what this person’s reaction to him was.

He swallowed, uncertain of what to say next. He couldn’t remember the last time someone outside of the CCG had talked to him like this that he wasn’t questioning.  “I’m an investigator with the CCG.” Why did he say that?

This person quirked a brow. They folded their paper and stood with a grace only a dancer could have. They stepped straight up to Juuzou, so close he had to look up since this person had a good five inches on him. “Well in that case,” they said with a low voice, green eyes moved over his face, “I am thoroughly unimpressed.” With that they snatched the paper from his hand and tossed it back onto the table. “Being an investigator doesn’t give you the right to take people’s belongings, Rude Little Thing.”

Juuzou stood frozen. No one had ever treated him like this before, like a real person except for Shinohara… Thinking of his partner, no ex-partner, was never a good thing.

They must’ve taken his silence for acceptance since they turned around and sat back down. Their paper already in their hand. Once again he was ignored and the coldness of it after the close proximity of this person felt even more icy than before.

“Was there something else you wanted?” Their attention was on him again.

“No- I, well-” His phone vibrated in his pocket. Fishing it out, he inwardly cursed. Why was he so damn awkward all the time? His phone unlocked and a message from Kaneki, his new partner, popped up on the screen, _17th district. Ditch Digger binge eater. Meet there. The corner of 84th and 17th._ To think of a ghoul as his partner almost made him physically ill. All ghouls were a menace.

“Hello?” They sounded annoyed. “It’s quite rude to look at one’s cell when in conversation you rude little thing.”

“I’m sorry about that.” He said with a smile. “I gotta go but,” he pulled out one of his business cards from his pocket and scribbled a time and his signature on the back, “will you meet me tomorrow? At that address?” He handed them the card, which they took.

They looked it over with detached interest. “Why would I do that?”

Juuzou backed up towards the door nearly knocking over a plant in the process. “Please?” He asked again, this time the entire shop was looking at him as if they saw him for the first time.

The way they looked at him didn’t give an answer one way or the other. The card merely danced in their grasp as they played with it.

He waited as long as he could for an answer but none came before he turned and left without his order. With how things went for him they probably charged him then forgot all about him.

Juuzou jogged the two blocks to the CCG headquarters where he picked up his quinque then headed out to meet Kaneki. The entire time green eyes haunted him from the depths of his memory. These eyes didn’t judge or pass sentence on him. They simply looked at him and that is what intrigued him the most.

* * *

         


	2. SSS~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly I apologize for how crappy this is. Fight scenes are my weakness... If you suffer through this chapter with me I promise the rest of this fic will more than make up for it.

“Juuzou!?” Kaneki’s scream rung in his ears. “Get up!” Juuzou groaned, the grit under his cheek felt like sandpaper. “Juuzou!” Kaneki screamed again.

A loud ominous crunch sounded all too much like concrete giving way under a ghoul’s kagune.

Juuzou forced open his eyes to find the nearly destroyed city block half in flames. “Ugh…” His head hurt and blood dripped from his chin. Heat from the fire finally registered over his skin.

A manic laugh drew his attention. The Ditch Digger towered above Kaneki, his wing like kagune pulsed with intent. “Too much, too much.” The ghoul said with a smirk.

Juuzou swallowed and reached for his quinque to use it as a crutch to help himself up. Pain zapped down his neck but he had to stand up.

Aogiri Tree surrounded them, perched everywhere like red crows watching The Ditch Digger torture Kaneki. They had walked right into an ambush like damn fools. Worst yet, neither suspected a thing.

The Dith Digger’s gaze found him and so did that insistent smile. “Such stamina for a human.” He said as he stalked over.

“No- Aw!” Kaneki tried to get up but a flex of the Digger’s kagune sent shards through his gut.

Juuzou stood, frozen, it wasn't Kaneki on the ground but Shinohara… It was all his fault.

“I think I just might eat all of you.” The Ditch Digger flared his kagune with a murderous smirk Juuzou knew all too well.

He had to move.

Fight back.

Now!

But Juuzou was frozen. The moment he lost Shinohara seared into his mind.

“Aww,” The Digger said, ”here I was hoping for more of a fight.”

Juuzou closed his eyes against the coming death blow. He deserved this after his mistake just over a year ago. Afterall, Shinohara’s condition was his doing… He wasn’t strong enough. Besides if he died no one would miss him or care. All he’d get was a wooden box in a field of other unclaimed souls.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five…

What was going on? He should be dead by now.

He looked up to find the most odd expression on the ghoul’s face. Was that surprise? Shock? Disbelief? Ecstasy? He couldn't say for sure.

A trickle of blood from his mouth caught Juuzou off guard. That was odd.

The Ditch Digger let out a sound somewhere between a wheeze and grown before falling to his knees. Juuzou blinked and cocked his head. Well that was strange.

A squish and slice drew his attention to someone new. Another ghoul.

This one wore a white horse mask, elegant and dainty but also powerful and commanding. Its ears were flattened back as if angry. The horses eyes glowed a soft white and the wearer wielded two katanas, one in each hand; one of which was buried deep in The Ditch Digger’s body.

The horse twisted the sword and withdrew. The Ditch Digger fell to the ground mere inches from Juuzou’s feet kicking up dust. A deep breath sounded ominous through the horse’s nostrils.

His grip over his quinque tightened readying to defend himself against this new ghoul.

The ghoul’s head tilted to the side as if judging him or wondering what sort of coffee to drink his body with when devouring him. The ghoul’s blade caught the fire making the blood shine even brighter. Juuzou was fascinated.

Blades danced, more like barely moved, but to Juuzou it was pure poetry in motion. He wanted to watch this ghoul use those blades, to fight until only one of them stood when it was over.

A high shrill pierced the air sending a shard of glass disguised as pain through Juuzou’s skull. An Aogiri Tree ghoul jumped from a streetlamp, kagune fully extended, straight for the horse.

The horse’s attention never wavered from Juuzou but the sword moved effortlessly through the air. The Aogiri Tree member’s body severed between them to land in two pieces on the concrete. The horse’s eyes grew brighter and it took off into the air.

Juuzou blinked. His gaze darting around trying his damndest to follow the ghoul but it was no use. All he caught was the falling body parts, blood drips and pools. One body laid splayed across a bench. The top half looked restful, was restful a thing? One arm draped over the back of the bench while the other laid relaxed in its lap. Intestines and other organs spilled from the missing lower half which was nowhere to be found.

“Aw!” Juuzou flinched. The horse not six inches from him, swords in their sheaths. It towered over him making him feel like a child. The horse just stared at him making his skin crawl. A low, deep chuckle came from within the mask sent chills down Juuzou’s spine. The horse held up one finger in a mock salute. Juuzou took a step back nearly tripping over some rubble. He righted himself to find the horse ghoul was gone.

“Juuzou?” Kaneki’s voice drew his attention. The white haired ghoul was panting, his hand covered his wounds, no doubt keeping his intestines where they should be. “What the fuck was that?”

Juuzou looked around to find over ninety percent of Aogiri Tree was dead or in the process of doing just that. “I have no fucking clue.”

“Sir!” Soldiers approached them carrying automatic weapons. Neither Juuzou or Kaneki acknowledged them as they moved in to scan the area of any stray ghouls. Juuzou has a feeling they'd find none.

“What happened here?” Amon approached with Director Yoshitoki at his side. Neither looked at him but instead spoke to Kaneki.

Juuzou looked at them both. They were always together lately. No one else seemed to notice but Juuzou did. He noticed a lot of things but no one else ever bothered to ask or talk to him about it so he never said anything. “We were ambushed.” Kaneki spoke up on their behalf. It was the normal now since no one really talked to him anymore. “I thought we were dead but this ghoul…” He trailed off as he took in the carnage around them. It really wasn’t that bad. He’d seen worse when he was with momma.

Amon moved forward past him to look at Kaneki with a stern gaze. Least Juuzou thought it was stern. He could’ve also easily had to go to the bathroom. Juuzou never really understood facial expressions very well. “Well?”

Kaneki almost flinched. “It didn’t use its kagune, sir. It killed almost everyone here by itself with just two swords.”

“Are you sure it was a ghoul?” The Director asked as he too approached to stand with Amon. They were awfully close for coworkers. Least Juuzou didn’t see other coworkers stand like that together. Then again he wasn't about to ask them about it. Truth was he didn't care at all. It was just something he so happened to note.

“Positive, sir. No human could move like that. I think,” Kaneki swallowed as he met their gazes, “this ghoul is more powerful than The One-Eyed Owls. They couldn’t have done even a fraction of this without their kagunes.”

Amon seemed to be considering what Kaneki said. The Director looked around to survey the damage. Firefighters were controlling the flames and other personal cleared the dismembered bodies. The Director took a deep breath. “We need something to call this thing.”

“White Knight.” Juuzou spoke up and both men turned to him in surprise. He almost never talked. “It had a white horse mask. White Knight.” To him the code name suited the ghoul.

The Director nodded. “Code Name: White Knight it is.”

Kaneki nodded. “It should be classified as Triple S~.”

“Why?” Amon asked as he looked Juuzou over. He felt those eyes on him like raking nails.

“Because,” Kaneki limped forward, his wounds already healing. That really wasn’t fair. “It’s damn powerful and we have no idea what it’s capable of.”

Both men nodded in agreement. “Triple S~ it is.” It was The Director who spoke while Amon nodded.

“Are you alright?” Amon stepped forward looking him over. “You should see a medic. Come on.” Amon stepped forward to take his quinque and lend a shoulder. It wasn’t abnormal for Amon to show him kindness. He’d been trying since Shinohara went away but Juuzou refused to let anyone else in.

He couldn’t lose anyone else. He just… couldn’t.

* * *

          


	3. Process Of Elimination

Juuzou stood just inside a hall off the main lobby of the CCG headquarters. From there he could see and hear almost everything. Kaneki was at a table near the coffee and sweet kiosk simply called Sweets. Some American ran it but he was nice enough. The owner, Daniel, was just a kid but he always smiled and was polite to him which was bonus.

Others walked past him without so much as a glance. Even after the event yesterday with the White Knight no one wished him well or acknowledge it even happened except Amon and Kaneki. He was used to it but if he really analyzed how he felt about it he’d notice a tiny part of him didn’t appreciate it. He didn’t exactly know what to call it. Emotion wasn’t what he was good at and he certainly didn’t have names for most of them.

What he was really doing was watching the entrance. If the stranger from yesterday actually showed up. He was, what was it… hmmm… anxious? Excited? Nauseous? All of it? Juuzou had no idea at this point.

He wanted the stranger to come but he didn’t get his wanting, was that a thing, he wasn’t sure, too high. Something knotted in his stomach making it feel weird. What if the stranger didn’t show up?

Juuzou was used to people not wanting to be around him. He was rejected by everyone except a damn ghoul but the thought of this stranger wanting nothing to do with him almost made Juuzou physically ill.

Those eyes so green just looked at him. They moved over him without judgement making him feel… Some sort of way he couldn’t begin to describe.

A tall figure waltzed through the doors, hand in their pockets, like they owned the place. Sunglasses obscured most of their face but Juuzou’s stomach did it a flip catching his breath. It was his stranger.

The stranger emptied their pockets, took off their glasses and walked through the scanner. “State your business.” A guard demanded the standard question as the stranger gathered their things. He or she was dressed similarly to yesterday except today was a maroon hoodie under a dark gray dinner jacket with black boots. A long silver necklace with what looked a wing dangled to almost the top of their jeans.

They fished a card from the bowl and simply held it up for the guard to read. “Aw, witness from yesterday?”

The stranger quirked a brow. “Do what, mate?” That British accent intrigued Juuzou.

The guard looked shocked. “Why are you here to see him?”

“Don know. He was a rude little thing that’s for sure.” The stranger pocketed their things and placed their glasses inside their jacket pocket. “S’what I’m here to find out. Good day to you sir.”

The stranger walked in, fingers messing with the roots of their bangs with the guard looking after him or her with big eyes and an open mouth. He couldn’t really blame the guard, no one ever came to see him just to see him.

Their gaze swept the lobby. Juuzou slid further into the hall to avoid them. Why was he hiding? Juuzou never hid, especially not from someone he didn’t even know.

The stranger’s gaze landed on Daniel’s cart and their eyes lit up. He or she started over just as Kaneki was getting up with more paperwork than he cared to know about. Neither were paying attention and Juuzou saw what was about to happen but couldn’t bring himself to speak up.

“Ofh!” The stranger and Kaneki collided knocking both to the floor. Paper went everywhere with a small curse from Kaneki. “I am so sorry!” The stranger said as they scrambled up to help Kaneki. “I dear say I have tunnel vision when it comes to coffee and anything with sugar.” The stranger handed Kaneki some papers with a smile. “Do you drink coffee? Would you like to join me for a spot and cake?” The stranger stood with a ringed hand held out to Kaneki.

Kaneki blinked and took the offered help. “Um, I don’t eat cake.”

“Well that’s a bloody shame.” The stranger walked up to Sweets with Kaneki following. The stranger braced against the counter, the other hand on their hip. “Are you a diabetic?”

“Huh?”

“Cake.” The stranger said. “Is that why you don’t eat cake? Ohhhhh!” The stranger pointed a finger at Kaneki. “Are you one of those gluten free people?”

Kaneki blinked a few times and looked from the stranger to Daniel. “No, I’m a ghoul.” He said as if to answer the stranger’s question and clarify everything.

“Aw, well through the process of elimination that makes sense.” The stranger smiled and held out their hand. “Hello, I’m a ghoul, Kodai, pleasure to meet you.” Kanaki shook Kodai’s hand. “So, coffee then?”

Kodai turned to Daniel and ordered two coffees and one slice of cake. “Do you have an account with us?” Daniel asked. Daniel’s Sweets shop didn’t accept money, only the number linked to the personal CCG account. Kodai dug in their pocket again and held up the card. “This guy is.”

Daniel's eyes went wide. “Oh, no I can’t, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, you can,” Kodai took the coffees, “and will. He was a rude little thing and owes me at least a coffee.” With that Kodai turned around for the tables. He or she picked a table with Kaneki following behind. The ghoul sat across from Kodai while Kodai offered him the coffee. He took it looking from Kodai to the coffee several times. “How on earth do you say this?” Kodai held up Juuzou’s business card for Kaneki to see.

“Oh, Juuzou Suzuya. He’s my partner.”

“Aw, so that’s how you say it.” Kodai took a sip of the coffee, “I’ve just been calling him Jai in my head.”

“When did you run into him? He didn’t mention you.”

Kodai shrugged. “Yesterday and the bloke doesn’t seem like the chatty type.”

“No,” Kaneki agreed, “he’s not.”

“So, I’m A Ghoul, how long have you been working here?” Another sip of coffee.

Kaneki smiled. “Ken Kanaki and just over a year.”

“Aw, that’s much better than I’m A Ghoul, rolls off the tongue better. Besides, that'd be an absolute rotten thing to put on someone’s birth certificate.” That earned Kodai a chuckle from Kaneki, something Juuzou had never gotten out of the ghoul in their almost eight months of partnership.

Amon walked past Juuzou into the lobby heading straight for Sweets. Juuzou watched him as he ordered some coffee and took a cake from Daniel. He walked over and placed the cake before Kodai who smiled. “Thanks!” Kodai shifted in their seat in what Juuzou thought to be excitement; he could've been wrong though. Kodai could've also had an itch.

“And who might you be?” Amon didn’t sound welcoming but then again he never did. He was a very serious person. Never smiled. Ever. It was really quite strange.

“Kodai, pleasures mine.” The two shook hands then Kodai picked up a fork and took a bite of cake. “You’ll have to excuse me because I’m going to eat this.” Another bite past those lips leaving Juuzou on edge. All of Daniel’s food was laced with a new agent poisonous to ghouls. It was for the ones who went the extra mile to try and fool them. They even laced the coffee of new comers.

Kodai just smiled, foot jiggling. Something inside Juuzou’s stomach loosened up with the knowledge that Kodai wasn’t a ghoul.

“Aren’t you dressed to the nines.” The way Kodai said it made it a statement and not a question. “With amazing cologne, too. Who are you dressed up for?”

Amon’s eyes widened for the briefest of moments and his gaze flicked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kodai smiled. “You’re a terrible liar.”

Amon’s gaze narrowed on Kodai. Juuzou had seen many a man melt under that very stare but Kodai was unphased. Instead he or she turned their attention back to Kaneki. “How's the coffee? Alright?”

Kaneki nodded as he swallowed a mouthful. “Yes, thank you. I hope Juuzou doesn't mind…”

“Meh,” Kodai shrugged, “blame me.” Kodai winked at Kaneki earning another small chuckle.

Something bubbled up from deep down forcing Juuzou forward. He had an appointment to keep.

“Oi! There you are! I was beginning to think you stood me up. Then again that tracks with you being rude and all.” Another bite of cake disappeared.

Amon blinked then turned to find Juuzou next to him. “You should wear a bell or something.”

Juuzou stared. Two people were talking to him? At once?

“Amon?” Akira Mado, Amon’s partner, approached carrying a classified file. He instantly recognized it as the White Knight’s started yesterday. “Kaneki. And you are?”

“Kodai.” The two shook hands briefly before Akira turned her attention back to Amon.

Kodai’s face firmed up as he or she looked at Akira. It was good forty-five seconds before they spoke. “Is everyone around here rude?”

This gained both Amon and Akira’s attention. “I beg your pardon?” Akira’s face was unreadable, then again that was nothing new with Juuzou.

Kodai folded their arms over the table. “It's not my pardon you should be begging for.”

“What does that mean?” Akira's tone was flat.

“You said ‘ello to everyone here, including me and you don't even know me except for him.” Kodai nodded in Juuzou’s direction.

What was Kodai doing?

Akira quirked a brow. Her full attention turned to Juuzou. It seemed she looked through him until her gaze focused and it registered he was in fact standing right there. “Juuzou.” With that she turned her attention back to Kodai. “What are you doing sitting with him? He's a ghoul.” That was the first time she'd talked to him in weeks. Juuzou felt… well he didn't precisely know but it was good, whatever it was.

“From process of elimination I figured that out.” Kodai said with such nonchalance Juuzou had to bite back a laugh. He was once again struck by the self awareness and confidence Kodai possessed. He wished he could have even a fraction of it. Maybe then he wouldn't be ignored?

Akira glared at Kodai who did nothing more but look right back. Something must've happened that Juuzou didn't quite understand because soon after Amon was ushering Akira away.

“So,” Kodai turned to Juuzou with a smile, “why am I here, Rude Little Thing?”

His stomach was doing weird things again. “I thought-” he cut off when a sudden sinking feeling accompanied by something crawling around his stomach took hold.

Kodai was looking at him again. Truly looking at him as if he were a real person. “You thought we could do lunch?” Kodai sounded hopeful. Was that hope? It could've also been gas he supposed though he chose to believe the former.

He nodded not trusting his voice.

“Excellent!” Kodai stood reminding Juuzou of their drastic height difference. “Got a place in mind?”

Again, he nodded.

“Fantastic. Shall we? I'm simply famished.”

Kaneki stood as well drawing Kodi’s attention away. “Will you come back?” The moment those eyes looked away Juuzou felt less… Well just less of himself. Damn that didn't make any sense...

Kodai smiled. “Sure, darling. I'll drop in for a spot and chat.”

“I'd like that.” Kaneki smiled sending Juuzou into a pit of confusion. How could Kodai make friends so easily? Interacting was hard let alone tricking others into wanting to spend time with you.

Then again Kodai had done the same thing to him just yesterday.

When Kodai turned back to him Juuzou’s heart sped up. Those eyes so green were seeing him again and he wanted the feeling to last.

* * *

          


	4. Who Is The True Monster?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to upload a new chapter already well because I can.
> 
> Enjoy Juuzou and Kodai.
> 
> If you'd like to read teasers and keep up to date on all my fics visit my blog (I sometimes rant, though not often).
> 
> sagekazankov.wordpress.com

Juuzou and Kodai left headquarters together much to the bewildered glances and whispers to everyone else around them. Juuzou might not have been good at emotions or facial expressions but he still understood when someone was talking about him. After all, it happened enough.

“So, have a place in mind?” Kodai asked. In the sunlight the blue in their stood out almost like a shining beacon. Sunglasses obscured their eyes disappointing him a little. He had wanted those eyes on him as long as possible.

He nodded. “It’s two blocks over if you don’t mind walking?” Juuzou managed to form a complete sentence for once around Kodai.

Kodai smiled and something in Juuzou’s stomach did a flip. “Sure thing. Lead the way.”

Juuzou swallowed and started off with Kodai at his side. They lapsed into silence making Juuzou’s skin crawl. Wasn’t he supposed to make small talk? What should he talk about? Damnit, he was never good at conversation. Shinohara would always instigate or ask him the questions until he was comfortable enough to do it himself. Then Shinohara was in front of him, blood oozing from his mouth… On the ground bleeding… In a hospital bed…

“Beautiful day.” Kodai’s voice snapped him out of it. They took a deeper breath. “Yesterday was too.”

“The morning was nice.” He agreed.

“Hm, that it was. Then someone tried to steal my paper.” Kodai voiced Juuzou’s crime with a lightheartedness that tugged the corners of his mouth. “Are you always in the habit of stealing others’ papers?”

He shook his head no. “Just wanted to distract myself and I thought reading could help.”

That earned him a look from Kodai though Juuzou couldn’t be sure since the sunglasses were in the way. He thought Kodai was going to say something but their lunch spot came into view as they rounded the corner. “We’re here. Have you heard of it?” Just across the street stood a British breakfast and lunch house called Espresso Room.

Kodai let out a deep breath and glanced over. A small smile appeared on those lips. “Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Shall we?” Kodai jogged across the street leaving Juuzou to trail behind. By the time he caught up Kodai was there holding open the door by planting their feet and leaning their weight all the way back like a child on a playground.

Juuzou walked inside to find an inviting little cafe with light colors and dark woods. The employees glanced his way but it was like they didn’t see him. Kodai waltzed in removing their glasses to place in their jacket pocket. The staff lit up. “Kodai! How are you?” A waitress stepped forward with a smile so big Juuzou wondered how her face didn’t crack.

“Since yesterday? Splendid and yourself?” Kodai stepped forward to give her one kiss on each cheek.

Yesterday? Kodai had been here yesterday? Great. And here he thought he was taking Kodai somewhere special.

“Kodai!” A little boy appeared from the back running full speed toward them.

Kodai bent down and scooped up the little boy who couldn’t have been more than four. “Maximus! How are you, old chum?”

The little boy hugged Kodai’s neck. “I was at school yesterday!”

“School? Surely you’re not old enough for such nonsense.”

Maximus blew a raspberry. “Am so! I drew you something.”

“You did?” Kodai acted like everything the kid said was the most interesting thing in the whole wide world. How did they do that? Kodai confused Juuzou on so many levels it wasn’t even funny.

Maximus nodded. “I’ll get it!” The boy began to squirm and Kodai crouched down to let the child go.

“I’ll be anxiously waiting!”

“He really loves you.” The waitress said with look that told Juuzou she was the boy’s mother. “Your table is free.” She gestured to a one seater in the corner that had a nice view of the street from the window.

Kodai stood and shook their head no. “Not to today, darling, I’m having lunch with a new acquaintance.” Kodai nodded to Juuzou.

He gave a half wave with what he thought was a nice smile but the woman’s frown said otherwise. He might not be good at reading people but he knew a frown wasn’t a good thing.

“Why?”

Kodai looked her over once and she stepped back with a mumbled apology. “S’not me you need to apologize to.”

Her cheeks turned red before she scrambled to bow an apology to Juuzou. That was the second time in less than an hour Kodai had stood up for him. “It’s okay. I’m used to it.”

That did earn him a look from Kodai. Once again he wished he understood people better in order to have an inkling into what Kodai could be thinking.

The waitress interrupted whatever was happening between them to point them out to a two person table by the window. Kodai extended their hand for Juuzou to sit first. He chose the chair with his back to the wall while facing the front. Kodai moved the other chair in order to sit next to him at the square table facing the window.

A new face appeared. This girl was younger than the first with blonde hair. “What can I get you to drink?”

Kodai ordered some “proper British tea” while Juuzou just wanted water. The waitress nodded. “Your usual?” She asked Kodai.

They nodded then turned their attention to Juuzou. “Trust me?”

Juuzou found himself nodding before he could really think about it. Kodai smiled and that was worth any lack of thought on his part.

Kodai held up two fingers and the waitress disappeared behind the counter. Silence was settling in making Juuzou itch. What could he say? Maybe there was something he should ask? They already covered the weather so what was left?

“Kodai!” Maximus reappeared with a piece of drawing paper. He ran right up to Kodai and offered the paper like it were a medal of honor.

Kodai took it with pride? Reverence? Disgust? Juuzou couldn’t tell. “This is for me?” Maximus nodded. “I shall frame it and hand it upon my wall.”

“You’re silly.” Maximus twirled but Juuzou could tell the child was proud.

“I mean it.” Kodai placed the paper on the table away from them. “Just have to find the proper frame.” The boy squealed and turned tail to run away and presumably hide.

Their drinks arrived and Kodai took a sip of tea. “God, that’s hot.” He sucked on his own tongue puckering up his face. Juuzou chuckled again. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed so much in a day. Wasn’t that just sad?

“So,” Kodai leaned on their elbows, their ringed fingers clasped loosely together, “why invite me to lunch today?”

“I didn’t want you thinking I was rude.” Juuzou hadn’t meant to say that, he just did. Kodai regarded him for a moment with those green eyes.

So green…

“You look young.” It wasn’t a question so Juuzou kept quiet. “What’s a small thing like you doing as an investigator?”

“I hunt down and kill ghouls.”

Kodai laughed, it made Juuzou relax. “Rude Little Thing, you misunderstand. I meant why did you chose to become one?”

Juuzou sat back. No one had ever asked him that before not even Shinohara. “As a child I was kept by a ghoul code named Big Madam. She tortured me and taught me to kill others in an arena for entertainment. If I made her proud she would-” Juuzou stopped. A flash of momma wielding a knife with a smile so vile Juuzou wanted to throw up, “do things to me. Be nicer.” He swallowed. “Despite being a psychopath the CCG accepted me because they knew I’d do a good job. I’m a preventative measure.”

Green eyes bore into him. They way Kodai looked at him it was as if they saw into the deepest, darkest part of his soul. He felt raw, exposed and scared. He said too much. Damnit. He either said too much or too little. Why couldn’t he ever find the happy medium?

Kodai took another sip of tea. “A preventative measure.” Those eyes didn’t pity or judge him. Juuzou knew what that looked like, he’d seen it before, this look over Kodai’s face was something else something he couldn’t begin to understand. “You know,” Kodai picked up the tea mug, “a psychopath doesn’t care if a random stranger in a sweet shop thinks they’re rude and they certainly don’t go out of their way to prove otherwise.” Lips formed to the rim of the cup as Kodai took another drink.

Juuzou was taken aback. Why would Kodai say that?

The mug clinked against the saucer with a quiet click. They looked out the window for a moment and Juuzou swore Kodai looked sad. “A mother and father ghoul are out on a stroll with their child. These ghouls have never harmed anyone.” Those green eyes were on him again. “Their meals come from suicide victims, accidents, murders from a fellow human. They’d never harmed anyone their entire lives.” Kodai paused and sighed. “They were peaceful. But this day investigators somehow found out who they were. They attack and kill the parents outright. It truly was a one sided affair because these ghouls hardly used their kagunes. They weren’t fighters or killers, they had no chance.” Another sip went down. “The child escapes only to grow up with a deep seeded hatred for the people who took their parents away. They join an organization or become a solo problem so another ghoul child wouldn’t feel the loss they did. They become a preventative measure.” Kodai’s voice become sombre. “This child, now an angry adult, spent their formative years as an orphan fighting to survive. They attack some investigators threatening their fellow ghoul and win. The investigators dead. But what this angry child didn’t know was that one of the investigators had a child of their own.”

Kodai paused and began to play with the wing on their necklace. Juuzou kept quiet because he wanted to hear what Kodai had to say. “This human child grows up with a deep seeded hatred for the ghouls who took their parents away. They grow up to become an investigator because no human child will suffer what they did. They become a preventative measure.” Kodai lifted the cup but paused only to put it back down. Their hand stayed on the cup, the silver rings catching the light. “Thus the cycle continues.”

Juuzou sat completely at a loss for words. No one had ever explained it like this to him before.

Kodai sighed. “There is good and rotten people in both human and ghoul alike, Juuzou.” The necklace was back in their hand twirling this way and that. “But ghouls like this don’t deserve to die the same as innocent humans don’t either.”

Juuzou’s hand flexed without his consent. “All ghouls deserve to die.”

They regarded him once again but this time Juuzou felt so small he could melt into the floor. “A ghoul who’s never fought or harmed a day in their life comes up against someone like you, trained in the art of legal murder, how is that fair?”

“All ghouls deserve to die.” He said again but this time with less conviction. Juuzou didn’t want to make Kodai angry and truth be told the other had given him a lot to think about it. He never thought about it this way before, had never even considered it. No one at the CCG thought this way either, then again all had their own stories and reasons for joining just as Kodai had said.

“Would you kill a ghoul child?”

Juuzou blinked. “Yes, it’s my job.” And it was. And he was damn good at his job.

The waitress came carrying two plates of something Juuzou didn’t recognize. She placed their meals and Kodai waved her off when she asked if everything was alright. The entire time Kodai’s gaze never left him. Kodai took a sip of tea while keeping those too deep green eyes on him. “Then that begs the question,” they set the cup down, their finger rested on the rim, “who is the true monster?”

* * *

          


	5. Are You Afraid?

The rest of lunch had been mostly silent but then again their food was delicious. Juuzou had no idea what it was but he’d have it again in a heartbeat.

He and Kodai made their way down the sidewalk towards headquarters. All the while their conversation played over in his head like a broken monologue. What Kodai had said made sense but at the same time it didn’t.

It almost seemed that Kodai believed the very organization meant to protect humanity, the CCG, was in fact partly responsible for the chaos around them. Could that be true? No, it was impossible. The CCG protected and served and without them hundreds of thousands of humans would be dead. But how many would still be alive if ghouls policed ghouls? After all humans policed themselves. Could ghouls do the same?

Juuzou shook his head.

“Alright?” Kodai asked.

He nodded then checked the time. “Damnit, I’m late.” Time seemed to pass differently when with Kodai. It went all too swiftly.

“Could cut through.” Kodai stopped and nodded toward a dark alley. “You’d pop out right near.”

“I always forget about this. Thank you.” He headed down the shortcut only to come up short. “What are you doing?”

Kodai shrugged. “Least I could do is escort you back.”

He blinked and a grin cracked free. “I’m the investigator. I protect you.”

They sighed with a small shake of their head. “That you are, Rude Little Thing.” Kodai stepped forward to lead the way down the alley.

Juuzou caught up easily enough and the two continued on in silence. His quinque case felt good in his hand. He had almost forgotten it back at the Espresso Room. It was never good to be so deep in thought that he almost forgot his weapon.

Something in the air shifted causing Juuzou to stop dead. He reached out to stop Kodai. The other did and took a step back. “Juuzou?”

He stepped forward ever so quietly scanning his surroundings. His thumb rubbed over the latch on his case. An itch to press it was too strong. With a tiny click his scythe like quinque sprung free and twirled effortlessly in his hand. Something wasn’t right.

Kodai stepped back into the shadows.

Flapping drew Juuzou’s attention up. Five Aogiri Tree members surrounded him. Each with some kind of injury. “Yesterday’s leftovers?” He asked with a smirk. Juuzou’s body loosened readying to attack.

None of them answered, instead one screeched and attacked headon. Juuzou’s mind shut off and he acted purely from instinct. His quinque twirled, so balanced and perfect. The blade caught the neck on one spewing blood into the air. Juuzou laughed, it was manic, near insanity but he didn’t care.

Everything was just so perfect. So clean and proper, precise and pristine. He was an artist like White Knight but their styles were completely different like competing aritisions in a show. He wondered if White Knight would admire his work as he did the Knights?

All too soon his manic fun was over and Juuzou stood amongst five bodies of stupid fools. They had to be in order to attack him here of all places. Or was Aogiri Tree just that desperate? Has the appearance of White Knight spooked them? The White Knight had certainly rattled the walls of the CCG.

Footsteps behind him had Juuzou spinning around, his quinque lashing through the air. Juuzou’s eyes went wide and he froze, his arms contracted to stop his quinque. His blade sat against Kodai’s throat, a small trickle of blood ran down their neck.

Juuzou was frozen, his arms shaking. He had almost…

Kodai reached up and with one finger moved his quinque away then returned their hand to their pocket. Kodai was simply looking at him again but this time in all of his receding demented rage. His gaze zeroed in on the cut at their neck. It was bleeding more causing a red curtain to fall but they didn’t seem to care. All they had eyes for was Juuzou.

He swallowed. “Are you afraid of me? Please, don’t be afraid of me.”

Kodai stepped forward as casually as if they were shopping for another hoodie. They reached up to cup Juuzou’s cheek in their hand. Warmth Juuzou had never felt seeped into him from this touch. It was a feeling he never wanted to go away.

Something wet and sticky between them caused him to frown. Blood, it had to be blood. Kodai was touching him, covered in blood with a look so calm Juuzou felt something within flare. He wanted to run and hide, his heart sped up and his palms were too hot. “Are you?” Kodai answered his question with a question.

Juuzou swallowed. “Yes.” Fear was the beast contorting his insides. It was foreign, strange and completely unwanted. Juuzou had never been scared before.

Why was he scared? It didn’t make any sense. Kodai had done nothing to warrant his reaction.

Kodai smiled, it was soft. Juuzou wondered how they did it. “Well that makes one of us.” Kodai’s touch slipped away causing a coldness to settle within Juuzou that he didn’t like. They gave him another smile and walked past him, stepping over corpses to the other investigators who’d shown up after the fact. Juuzou hadn’t even noticed them he was so intrigued with Kodai.

He watched Kodai navigate the mess with interest. The average person couldn’t have witnessed what Kodai did let alone remain so calm afterward. Maybe they were more alike than he originally thought?

Kodai turned before they were within earshot of the others. “A psychopath doesn’t care if someone is afraid of them and they certainly don’t beg.”

Juuzou regarded Kodai as they walked away. That made twice they had made such a statement leaving Juuzou more than a tad confused.

* * *

          


	6. Koneko

Juuzou was so jittery he thought he might lose his skin. It had been a little over a week since Kodai and he went to lunch then were attacked by ghouls. He hadn’t seen the other since. It had crossed his mind that Kodai was in fact afraid of him but they had exchanged texts all week easing his fears. In truth it wasn't Kodai´s fault they couldn't see each other.

The other had offered several times but it was always Juuzou who backed out for one reason or another. The main one being White Knight had been spotted several more times, its kagune still a mystery, in several districts. This ghoul had kept him and other senior investigators quite busy.

Right then all he cared about was the fact that Kodai waited for him at the end of this damn elevator. He tried willing it to go faster but that wasn´t working. Director Yoshitoki stood next to him reading over some paperwork and for once Juuzou wished he’d remain in the backdrop unnoticed.

The numbers on the elevator ticked so slow Juuzou was sure someone was playing a trick on him. His leg jiggled and his fingers drummed against his thigh.

Fifteen...

Eleven…

Eight...

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Lobby.

The doors dinged open and Juuzou stepped out. His gaze immediately found Kodai at a table by Sweets chatting with Kaneki. Today Kodai wore a simple, dark, loose graphic t-shirt depicting some sort of cat in space. Silver laid at their neck and Juuzou thought it could be the wing necklace again.

He stepped off heading straight for Kodai. Today Kodai was taking him to lunch and Juuzou was anxious? Excited? Nervous? To find out where.

“A moment, Juuzou.” The Director’s voice caught him off guard but Juuzou stopped just out of earshot of his Kodai and Kaneki.

The Director droned on about something he didn’t really care about. Whatever it was didn’t compare to his need to see Kodai. He fidgeted with it.

Kaneki let a laugh so loud it echoed around the lobby drawing lots of attention even The Director’s. Juuzou let out a small sigh as Kodai made wild hand gestures with Kaneki trying and failing to hold in his laughter. How did Kodai do that? Juuzou had never made someone intentionally laugh before. He had also never made a friend until Kodai. And as much as it irritated him Kodai and Kaneki were friends. If that were even possible. Ghouls didn't form relationships like humans did.

“Juuzou?”

“Huh?” He blinked at The Director.

The man folded his arms. “Are you even listening to me?”

“No.” His attention returned to Kodai and Kaneki as Kodai leaned back in their chair. One arm draped over the back and their legs crossed. It was then he noticed Kodai wore fancy, shiny tennis shoes. Juuzou would never have the nerve to wear something like that.

“Dismissed.”

He walked off without so much as a glace at The Director straight for Kodai and Kaneki.

They were laughing again. Red tears stained Kaneki’s eyes from the outburst. “Oi! Jai, glad you could join us.” It’d been a little over a week since he’d heard that British accent and in that time Kodai had begun calling him Jai. It was his first real nickname and Juuzou really liked it. Kodai’s smile lit up his world in a way juuzou didn’t know was possible.

Kodai’s green gaze flicked from him to over his shoulder. “Kaneki, who is this?” The Director stood next to him with his hands behind his back.

Kaneki leaned forward supporting his weight one elbow. “This is Kodai Himitsu.”

“My friend.” Juuzou interrupted Kaneki.

“Yep,” Kaneki continued, “Juuzou’s friend and mine.”

Juuzou’s first flexed and he fought the urge to punch Kaneki in the teeth. Kodai was his damnit. But a smile from Kodai calmed Juuzou right down. There was way Kodai looked at him that was only for him. A softness came over their face and the way their eyes moved over him made him feel special.

Their gaze went back to The Director. “Pleasures mine.” The two shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. “You certainly look snazzy.” Kodai leaned back in their chair. It was like they owned the room when Kodai didn’t even work here. In a weird way Kodai demanded more attention than The Director did. “And that cologne.” Kodai smirked. “It’s positively divine. Now where have I smelt that fragrance before?” Kodai’s foot swayed.

The Director shifted his stance. “I can assure you I am the only one who wears it.”

“No, no.” Kodai purse their lips, “I’ve definitely sniffed that before.” They smiled.

The Director cleared his throat. “Impossible.” He shifted again. Juuzou frowned and took note. The Director never fidgeted.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I have it custom made.”

Kodai quirked a brow.

“I see you’ve met Kodai.” Amon stated as he walked up to stand with The Director.

“Custom,” Kodai drummed their fingers once on the table, “really now?” Those green eyes moved between The Director and Amon several times.

Both mean looked away. Color rose in Amon’s cheeks giving Juuzou pause. Well that was new.

“Um, yes,” The Director cleared his throat again and adjusted his tie, “now if you’d excuse me I have a lunch meeting.”

“Oh, do you now?” Kodai’s gaze moved to Amon. “I bet it’ll be right fun.” They winked at The Director who spurted but said nothing. That was also new. If Juuzou could follow human behavior better he’d know what Kodai was teasing them about.

“Good day.” The Director recovered enough to say goodbye with a short bow.

Kodai raised one finger and gave a mock salute, it reminded him of White Knight. “I’m sure I won’t be the only one to have a good day.” Kodai’s teasing had The Director’s cheeks burning red. Once The Director was out of sight Kodai stood with a stretch. The hem of their shirt lifted away from the top of their jeans giving Juuzou a glimpse to a toned, fit body. The tip of their wing necklace tickled skin.

Juuzou definitely wanted to see more of that.

“Ready, Jai?”

He nodded and Kodai took one last swig of coffee. “Let’s be off then.” They paused and looked at Amon. “Don’t you have somewhere to be as well?”

Amon’s eyes went wide and his mouth hung open. “Um, yeah I do…” The man hurried off without so much as another word. Kodai laughed sending flutters in Juuzou’s stomach.

Kodai said their goodbyes to Kaneki with promises to hang out soon which he didn’t like one bit. “Alrighty, off we go!” Kodai’s enthusiasm for things was refreshing.

They reached out and took Juuzou’s hand to all but drag him out. Juuzou allowed himself to be hauled around due to shock. There was no other word for it. He was in shock. No one and he meant no one touched him ever. Once outside Kodai turned to him while walking. “I think you’re going to like this.” He was dragged just down the street to one of the nicest cars Juuzou had ever seen. It was definitely out of the price range of anyone he knew. “Come on then.” Kodai touched the handle of the very expensive car and it opened then swung up. “In we go.”

Juuzou stared. “This is your car?”

Kodai shrugged. “One of them, yeah. Come on! In we go. We’re burning lunch minutes. There we go. There it is. One. Two. One. Two. That’s it.” Kodai kept urging him on as he walked up and sat down. Soft, supple dark green leather almost looked black. White, thick stitching really set it apart.

Kodai slipped inside and started the car. He never understood when someone said the engine purred until now because this engine was doing exactly that. Kodai pulled out into traffic and made a left.

“Where are we going?” In the week they’d been texting Juuzou had become comfortable with Kodai enough to initiate conversation. With Shinohara it had taken months but Kodai had managed in only a few days. There was just something about Kodai that made Juuzou feel… He didn’t know. Like he could just be himself?

He didn’t have to be the crazy psyco around Kodai. Juuzou could just be Juuzou, whoever that was. After talking with Kodai and seeing how self aware the other was Juuzou realized he didn’t have a clue about himself and he needed to work on that.

Kodai tsked then reached over and took Juuzou’s hand again. Their fingers slipped through his giving Juuzou a ticklish feeling in the general area of his entire body. “It’s a surprise.” His stomach was doing flips and trying to tie itself in knots. Since their last get together Juuzou found himself constantly thinking of Kodai and wanted to spend every minute he could with the other.

“Okay.” He wasn’t one for surprises but with Kodai it should be fun. Juuzou was looking the other over from head to toe. He honestly didn’t know how he’d managed to make such a friend. The fact that he still didn’t know if Kodai was a man or woman didn’t bother him in the least. Either way his feelings would still be the same.

“What are you thinking?” Kodai merged onto the freeway.

“That I still don’t know if you’re a man or a woman.” Juuzou just told Kodai the truth without thinking about it and he had no idea why. He supposed he was just that comfortable with the other.

Kodai’s grip on the steering wheel tightened and their hand in his loosened abit. “I’m a man, Juuzou.”

“Oh,” Juuzou squeezed Kodai’s hand, “okay.” Juuzou looked at the window at the passing landscape and wondered again where they were going.

“What about now?”

“Where we’re going.”

“Honestly?” Kodai took an exit that Juuzou didn’t catch. Damn. “That’s what you’re thinking?”

Juuzou quirked a brow at him. “Yeah, why?”

“Because!” Kodai slowed at the light then faced him. “You just found out I’m a man.”

“So?” Juuzou was honestly confused. “I was just genuinely curious. That’s all.”

“It doesn’t bother you that you’re holding a man’s hand right now?”

Juuzou glanced at their hands and half shrugged. “No.” He cocked his head and smirked. “Lights green.”

Kodai shook his head and continued on to wherever they were going. “You surprise me all the time, Jai, and that doesn’t happen too often.”

“I like it when you call me that.”

“Wha? Jai?”

Juuzou nodded then realized Kodai was paying attention to the rode. “Yeah.”

“Is what I’ll call you all the time then.”

“Kay.”

They lapsed into silence until Kodai did a little dance in his seat. “We’re here!” He announced with a smile so large Juuzou was becoming excited because he was. He looked out the window to see a sign for The World’s Greatest Fair. He turned to Kodai, mouth open. “You wanna play some games?” That smile did things to Juuzou. If it were possible he’d melt into the leather.

Kodai had parked and hauled Juuzou out of the car faster than the train. They were in line when Juuzou saw a tossing game he really wanted to try just inside. “Which one?” Kodai squeezed his hand.

How he knew when Juuzou was thinking about something he´d never know. “That one.” He pointed and Kodai smirked.

“That´s the first one we'll try.”

Juuzou began to bounce. He also really wanted some sweets and a balloon but that'd be too childish of a grown man.

The line went quickly and before Juuzou could so much as blink Kodai bought their tickets and each had a game card with ¥57,000 a piece.

Kodai was nearly bouncing as they walked inside. Juuzou was a little more reserved but just as amazed. Paper lanterns were strung up between the endless sea of game booths. People were laughing. Some were dressed in traditional clothing. Music played in the background. A group of traditional fan dancers were wondering the grounds putting on a show for the guests.

“Come on.” Kodai took him to the tossing game he’d spotted earlier.

Juuzou held out his card for the worker to scan and in return was handed five rings. He held the ring just so and did his best to aim. The ring flew then danced around the top of a bottle before falling between. “Almost, Jai.” Kodai was close behind. He tensed when a hand lightly rested against his hip. “Win me something.” Kodai’s whisper tickled along his ear.

He leaned back just enough to press against Kodai. To feel the other man was there. He felt something flutter inside when Kodai wrapped his arm around Juuzou to hold him close. No one had touched him in a very long time and he was enjoying every second of it.

The other four rings went all too fast with no win for Juuzou. His lips pursed and a frown tightened his features. Damn things. “Some investigator you are.” Kodai teased. “Can’t even win a bloody carnival prize.” Kodai tugged him along to another game. This one had many prizes on display, most electronic, but one caught his attention. It was a simple black cat plushy with squinting eyes and pink cheeks. “Which one would you like?” Kodai asked in his ear. He looked down and away not wanting to say. It was dumb to want a plushie. A touch tickled his jaw then guided him back to Kodai. “Which one, Jai?”

Juuzou looked into those green eyes and he swore he was drowning. “The black cat plushie.”

“Then that’s the one you’ll get.” Kodai smiled then turned to the worker. In just a few seconds Kodai had a wooden gun with four rubber bands ready to go. The idea was to shoot down the targets.

Kodai took aim and Juuzou closed in wanting to know if the target, a glass bottle with sand at the bottom, would fall. The first rubber band hit but the target barely wobbled. He swallowed as Kodai loaded up another rubber band. The next two went the same way but the target was dangerously close to tipping off. Kodai took aim and Juuzou noticed his breathing became shallow. A clear, sharp focus came over Kodai’s face. On the inhale Kodai fired the rubber band and the target wobbled. Juuzou held his breath as it tilted this way and that until it tipped too far, fell then shattered into thousands of pieces on the concrete.

“Yes!” Kodai punched the air in victory. The worker stood frozen for a second before she too celebrated. “The cat plushie, please.”

The worker frowned. “Are you sure? You could pick any of these.” She indicated a row of cheap toys and candy.

“Absolutely.” Kodai handed back the gun then casually drew in Juuzou with an arm around his shoulders. “Cat, please!”

The woman bowed then fetched the plushy and handed it to Kodai. “As promised. Your cat.” Juuzou took the toy and just looked at it. The fair morphed into complete darkness. His new plushie became so faded it looked gray and worn to the point of falling apart. His grip on the cat tightened as the sound of scraping metal pierced the silence. Momma was coming…

“What next?”

“Huh?” Juuzou blinked in an attempt to clear his head.

Kodai was looking at him again. “What would you like to do next?”

“Um,” he looked around and spotted a sweet cart with some balloons. Juuzou just pointed since he didn’t trust his voice at the moment.

Kodai smiled and together, with Kodai’s arm still around his shoulder, they made their way to the stand Juuzou wanted. Kodai ordered for him then began to walk off but came up short. “Did you want something else? I can get whatever you like.”

Juuzou shook his head no.

Kodai was digging deep into his soul again with those eyes and Juuzou felt exposed. “Would you like a balloon?”

Heat flushed his cheeks.

A chuckle came from within Kodai as he stepped up and purchased Juuzou a red balloon. Kodai didn’t say anything and instead allowed Juuzou a moment of quiet.

He followed Kodai without thinking about it. Memories of momma always came at the worst moments. Sometimes they didn’t bother him and other times they did. It bothering him now was very inconvenient. He was supposed to have a good time with Kodai, not feel, well he didn’t know but whatever it wasn’t good.

“Jai?”

“Hm?” He looked up to see Kodai standing at the base of some stairs that led to a very tall, round ride.

“Come on. Let’s ride the ferris wheel. It’s an American ride. Very easy.”

Juuzou climbed up then he and Kodai were seated in a bucket together before the ride moved just a little to allow the next group into theirs.

He sat quietly holding his plushie tight. His sweets were untouched but he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything. Shinohara couldn’t eat sweets…

“Uhn.” Juuzou flinched away from a ghostly touch.

“It’s just me, Juuzou.”

“Huh?” He blinked a few times until Kodai came into focus.

Those too green eyes were looking at him again but Juuzou couldn’t decrypt what was going through his head. “What’s on your mind?” Kodai scooted closer to put his arm over Juuzou’s shoulder again.

He leaned into the offered warmth. It made him feel better but he didn’t understand how. “A little over a year ago an operation went really bad. My partner, Shinohara was badly injured and it was all my fault. He’s been in a coma ever since.” The kitties ear felt soft under his touch. This one was so much nicer than the one he had.

“And you feel bad about this?” Kodai’s arm tightened around him making him feel… safe?

He nodded.

The other sighed but left the silence between them. He briefly wondered what Kodai could be thinking but he let it go. Instead to preoccupied with trying to think of nothing. It wasn’t that difficult. All one had to do was shut it off. Instead focus on the scenery around.

The wheel had stopped and moved several times until they were near the top with a beautiful view of the entire fair. It was a large event and Juuzou was disappointed he couldn’t spend more time there with Kodai.

The kitty in his lap drew his attention despite his best efforts. He had one just like it when his was with momma… It was the only possession she allowed him to keep. It had brought him comfort in some of his darkest times.

Kodai’s touch ghosted over his shoulder. “Did you name it?”

“Koneko.”

“Kitten?”

“Yeah,” he traced the squinting eyes with a finger, “I had one when I was with her…”

“You know,” Kodai’s quiet voice drew his attention. He was looking out over the fair as well, the blue in his hair shined but his face seemed thoughtful. “A psychopath doesn’t get nostalgic over a childhood keepsake, only the trophies of their victims to relive the euphoria of their violence.”

Juuzou couldn’t move. “Why do you keep saying stuff like that?”

Kodai’s gaze found his. Before today he didn’t understand what pinned by a stare meant until then. He could barely breath under those eyes. “Because you, Juuzou, are not a psychopath.”

* * *

          


	7. Without You

[To listen to Without You, the song that inspired this chapter for free, click here.](https://soundcloud.com/ryan-exley/illenium-without-you-ft-skylr-ryan-exley-remix-1)

* * *

Juuzou stood outside his apartment waiting on Kodai. The fair yesterday had been fun but towards the end on the ferris wheel things had gotten darker for Juuzou. Kodai had told him he wasn’t a psychopath and that was all he could think about since.

He had to be, right? Juuzou didn’t understand others around him and he certainly had no clue about human emotion. Shit, he couldn’t put a name to most of what he felt let alone assign it to someone else. He didn’t form attachments to others. The first was Shinohara but he was taken away. Then there was Kodai…

“Oi! Waiting long?” And there he was. The reason Juuzou was questioning everything about himself. Today he wore a plain white t-shirt and dark jeans with different shiny tennis shoes than yesterday and the wing necklace. Juuzou had to admit his friend wasn’t bad looking at all.

“Just a few minutes.”

“Shall we?” Kodai offered his hand, which Juuzou took. The warm feeling came back reminding Juuzou just how cold he was inside without Kodai around. “You know,” Kodai squeezed his hand, “psychopaths don’t get nervous when someone holds their hand.”

Juuzou just looked at him for a moment. “You’re not just anyone.”

“Aw, well that’s true.” Juuzou shook his head at that. He wished he had that kind of confidence in himself. Maybe one day?

Together they made their way to the bus stop at the corner of his street. Kodai must’ve seen the question on his face because he smiled and squeezed Juuzou’s hand. “We’re taking the bus today.”

“But you have a car?”

The bus pulled up as Kodai shrugged. “No one is better than anyone else.” He tugged Juuzou onto the bus leaving him feeling just a tad confused in Kodai’s wake.

They sat down when Juuzou’s phone went it off. The ringer was on, which was rare, and heat flushed up his face. Kodai had heard. He glanced up to see Kodai smiling. “Do you so happen to have that song on your playlist?”

Juuzou nodded then looked for it.

With a press the low melodic beat began. The words were coming, “I feel you, Shutting down,” Juuzou’s attention snapped to Kodai as he began to sing along. “After we've had one too many. Of these talks, You say you wanna stay, But I know you'd rather get up and walk away.” Kodai slid onto one knee after the intro to kneel before Juuzou. “Can you hear me, I'm crying out for you, I'm crying out for you again, I'm not ready, To let this go, We've come too far.” Juuzou couldn’t believe Kodai knew the words to one of his favorite songs. His voice was just as good if not better than the woman singing. Something inside Juuzou tightened making it hard to breath.

As the song progressed Kodai stood. Juuzou knew the beat would transition into a dubstep melody with no lyrics.

Kodai’s body began to move with the music, using the whole bus as a dancefloor. His body moved in ways Juuzou had only seen on television or dance competition shows. All the while Kodai would stop to serenade Juuzou consequently putting on an entire show for the other passengers. Soon others were smiling and a few filming the show that was Kodai dancing.

All too soon the song ended with Kodai on one knee again, panting heavily but looking Juuzou in the eye. He smiled, half of his face hidden by renegade bangs. The entire bus erupted in cheers and clapping but Kodai ignored them in favor of Juuzou. “It’s one of my favorites.” He finally stood to take his bow to another round from the passengers.

He finally sat down only to snatch away Juuzou’s phone. “Good Lord Almighty.” His thumb was moving over the screen. “We’ve got the same taste in music.” He handed the phone back to Juuzou who was still processing Kodai dancing all over the place.

“You’re like a coordinated monkey.”

Kodai let out a belly deep laugh. Juuzou’s chest expanded, puffed out. He had never made anyone laugh before but the fact that his first was Kodai was special. “Best compliment I could ever get.” His arm was around Juuzou again. “You remembered your card, yeah?”

He nodded and settled into Kodai’s side. Yesterday after Kodai had dropped Juuzou back off at headquarters he promised to take Juuzou again tomorrow if Juuzou was interested and he was. It was his first day off in nearly two months and he wanted to spend it with Kodai at the fair.

Before Kodai Juuzou had nothing outside of his job. His life had become consumed with being an investigator leaving no room for anything else. Then again before Kodai there wasn’t anything else.

Would anyone notice he wasn’t working on a Saturday? Probably not. No one ever paid attention to him.

“This is our stop!” How Kodai had such energy after a performance like that Juuzou would never know.

Once again he was dragged off the bus to the line at the fair. At the front a rather slight man looked like he was having a bad. Then again it could’ve also been indigestion. When it was their turn the man actually cracked a smile. “Are you a couple?”

Juuzou’s mouth was opening but Kodai’s fingers moved through his hair in the back to massage his neck damn near making him purr. “Are we that obvious?”

“Just a little.” The ticket man’s smile got bigger. “Go on in.”

“Really? Are you sure, mate?” Kodai was reaching into his pocket with the other hand.

“Oh, yes!” The ticket taker waved him off. “It’s couples day! All couples get in free!”

“Thanks so much!” Kodai walked off hauling Juuzou with him into the fair.

“But Kodai,” Juuzou’s arm went around Kodai’s waist, “we’re not a couple.”

“Oh, come on, love,” Kodai used his height difference to his advantage and managed to get in front of Juuzou to walk backwards while tugging his hand, “live a little!”

It was Kodai’s smile, that smile that was just for him, how he managed to pull him up from a dark place, it was the way Kodai made him _feel something_ , how he always seemed to know what to say, the way he always made Juuzou think about his own inner self, how Kodai challenged him to push past his comfort zone. It was all of these things plus more he couldn’t put words to yet. It was in this moment Juuzou understood something he never thought he would be capable of.

He needed Kodai.

* * *

           

 


	8. Safe

It was the Wednesday after their fair trip and Juuzou was still buzzing from it. “I had so much fun.” He retrieved a mug from the communal kitchen to get some of the awful office coffee.

Kaneki sat at the kitchen table with his own steaming mug. “I know you’ve said.” The ghoul was smiling and for once Juuzou didn’t judge him for it. Normally he’d think the ghoul was faking it to fit in but after observing Kaneki with Kodai and Kodai’s stance on ghouls Juuzou was thinking just a little bit differently.

Amon sat at the same table along with the new guy, Isamu. “I’m glad you’re having fun.” He said while skimming a magazine. “You need it.” Juuzou frowned. Was that an insult? He didn’t know.

Instead he shrugged while pouring his coffee. “We played games all day and watched a couple shows. We spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to catch a goldfish.”

“Sounds like you had a fun date, Juuzou.”

He froze for a second. “It wasn’t a date.” He started going about trying to make the coffee less shitty.

Amon huffed a laugh. “It was.”

“Was not!”

“Was so!” Amon was teasing him. Which was odd.

A strange voice chimed in. “Sounds like a date to me.” Did the new guy talk to him? On purpose?

Juuzou whirled around. The new guy, Isamu, was looking at him. “It was not.”

Isamu shrugged while Kaneki shook his head. “It was a date.” The ghoul said before taking a sip.

Juuzou huffed before turning back to his coffee. He fetched some milk from the fridge to mix in. He recalled the day after their carnival outing, Sunday, Kodai had agreed to go to the public library with him. Secretly Juuzou loved to read but no one besides Kodai knew that.

They’d been there so long that when Juuzou looked up he saw Kodai curled up in an uncomfortable chair fast asleep. He felt bad about making Kodai stay there so long so he decided to pack it up.

He walked up to Kodai and reached for him to move those long, rebellious bangs out of his face. It was then he had noticed Kodai’s odd breathing, the tenseness in his features. He twitched hard in his sleep nearly knocking himself to the ground. “Kodai?” One small touch had Kodai flinching away. His hand swooped up and grabbed Juuzou’s wrist then twisted. If Juuzou hadn’t been tortured his entire childhood Kodai’s grip would’ve brought him to his knees. Those green eyes were everywhere. “Kodai…?” Juuzou was concerned? Upset? Sad? He didn’t know but whatever it was left him wanting Kodai to be okay.

Those eyes finally focused on him after what seemed an eternity. “Juuzou?” Kodai sounded confused.

“Yeah,” he kneeled to seem less intimidating, “it’s me.”

Kodai scanned his surroundings one last time before yanking Juuzou up into a tight hug. He buried his face in Juuzou’s neck with a deep breath.

Warmth seeped into Juuzou’s core from the memory. It made him feel like he mattered that he was able to calm Kodai down. “It wasn’t a date, Kaneki.” He finished mixing his coffee then turned ever so carefully while blowing on the hot beverage.

Juuzou came up short when a very tall figure blocked his path. “Actually,” Kodai’s voice was like music after the shitty day he’d had, “the fair thought we were a couple so,” he took Juuzou’s too full coffee mug, “it was a date, technically.” He took a sip and grimaced. “Oh, good lord, what the bloody hell is that? Diesel fuel?” The mug was back in Juuzou’s hand. “How do you drink that rubbish?” Heat flushed his cheeks. Kodai had called it a date.

Juuzou grinned despite the heat. He loved it when Kodai’s accent came through. “Stomach training.” He took a sip then grinned.

Kodai’s expression was soft as he regarded him and for the thousandth time Juuzou wondered what Kadia was thinking when he looked at him like that. The other leaned in giving Juuzou a whiff of something purely Kodai. “Psychopaths don't blush over being teased about a date.” He whispered so softly Juuzou barely heard him. Kodai pulled back with a smirk. “You have something of mine?”

“Huh?”

Kodai shook his head. Those bangs swayed over his face until he flicked them out of the way. “My wallet, love?”

Juuzou started. “Oh! Yes!” Of course, he was so stupid to forget he had it…

“Stop it.” A gentle touch to his chin had Juuzou looking up at Kodai. How the man knew when Juuzou was down on himself he didn't understand. Instead of saying anything he fished Kodai’s wallet from his back pocket.

“Thanks. Can't very well buy dinner without it.” He plucked the wallet from his hand then placed it inside his coat. “Your place, right?” Juuzou nodded. “1900?”

He loved Kodai used military time. To him it just made things easier. “Yeah, I'll be off by then.”

“Right then. I'll see you later.”

On his way out Kodai stopped to ask about Kaneki and Amon as well as introduce himself to Isamu. He said another goodbye to Juuzou before leaving.

The moment he was out of sight Juuzou wanted him to come back. He missed the other already making dinner tonight seem like it was years away.

“Oh, it was a fucking date.”

“Shut up, Kaneki.”

* * *

The day dragged on for Juuzou. Even the excitement of White Knight appearing didn't interest him much. It should since White Knight saved several associate special class investigators from three S+ rated ghouls. If White Knight hadn't intervened those investigators would be dead.

His clock finally read 1845 and Juuzou was up and down the hall waiting for the elevator in mere seconds. The death box once again was taking forever to bring him down to the lobby.

This was some sort of torture. It had to be.

T.O.R.T.U.R.E.

Though it was a torture Juuzou never thought he'd be capable of. Kodai had awaken something within him, apart of him he thought was lost forever. He didn't understand a fraction of what he felt but all of it he liked more than anything else in his life. Although he didn't think like was the correct word.

The elevator dinged at him then released him into the lobby where he hurried out the door and down the street towards his apartment. It was within walking distance of headquarters and Juuzou saw a figure leaning against his building with a bag in their hand looking at a phone.

Light from the screen sent harsh light over Kodai’s features and Juuzou’s heart skipped a beat. “Hey!” Kodai looked up at him and he instantly smiled. Juuzou jogged the rest of the way feeling lighter than he had since they were together early. “Wait long?”

Kodai shook his head no. “You're early by all whole two minutes.”

Juuzou lightly smacked Kodai before opening the door to his building. He led Kodai deeper inside on the first floor. His door was the last on the left.

Once inside Juuzou kicked off his shoes with a sigh. Kodai did the same and Juuzou blinked at his space kitten socks. “Wha?”

Juuzou sighed and shook his head. “You're weird.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kodai moved deeper into the apartment and looked around. “Um, since you don't have a table will the sofa do?” He held up the bag.

He nodded. “I'll get some plates and stuff. Is water okay?”

Kodai began sorting the containers on the coffee table. “Coffee?”

“Damn, you drink more coffee than I do.”

“Eh, what can I say? It's delicious. Besides you can tell a lot about a man by his coffee.”

Juuzou began filling the pot with water. “Really?”

“No,” Kodai flopped on the couch looking right at home, “I just said that ‘cause it sounded mysterious.”

“I stand by my earlier assessment: you're weird.”

Kodai laughed then silence fell between them whole Juuzou finished up. He filled two glasses with water then headed for the sofa. Kodai was curled into a pillow. His deep even breathing told Juuzou he was fast asleep.

A full arm jerk jostled him and he curled more into himself. His features contorted in what looked like pain. Juuzou set the glasses down immediately. “Kodai?” He kept his voice low but firm. “Hey.” Juuzou knew touching him would result in Kodai hurting him again but he didn't care. Kodai was more important. He rubbed Kodai's fist in the pillow. “Kodai? Wake up.”

Kodai jerked awake. His gaze unfocused. He gripped Juuzou's arm like a vice and yanked Juuzou against the sofa back. His other hand came up to block his face as if Juuzou would attack him.

Juuzou’s heart constricted to the point of pain so intense it drowned out any discomfort in his arm. “Kodai, ai, it's just me here.”

In what seemed forever but was probably more like less than thirty seconds Kodai was returning to himself. “Oh, fuck Juuzou, I'm so sorry.” He released Juuzou immediately and scooted as far away as possible.

“It's okay.”

“It's not okay!” This was a side of Kodai he'd never seen before. The man was angry. “Hurting you is never okay.”

Juuzou didn't know what to do or say. If the situation were reversed Kodai would handle this perfectly. Come to think of it if they were together enough he eventually would have to.

He sighed and decided to be honest. After all it'd worked so far. “I don't know what to do here.” Kodai looked up at him, one eye was obscured by bangs. “I'm not good at- with people.” Admitting his shortcomings out loud was harder than he thought. “You didn't do anything on purpose. Trust me when I say I understand.” He looked away to fixate on a whirl in the table’s wood. “I… I get it.” An image of Shinohara, prone on the ground, back gaping open overtook him. If he had just-

“You said the perfect thing.” Kodai’s hand on his promoted Juuzou to intertwine their fingers. He looked up to find Kodai right next to him. “You know I'd never hurt you on purpose?” Juuzou nodded a yes. “I promise to always protect you.” Kodai’s gaze was firm with determination. His words puzzled Juuzou. He was the investigator, it was his job to protect Kodai. “Stop thinking so much and let's eat. I'm starving.”

He nodded again and together they dug into their food. They ate in relative silence while watching TV. Kodai had gotten up to get his coffee but came right back to sit with Juuzou.

Kodai settled back, legs bent up, feet on the sofa with his coffee to watch whatever was on. Juuzou wasn't paying attention to the screen but to Kodai.

The man was simple beautiful. There was no other word for him. Every move he made had a gracefulness to it that would put any ballerina to shame. His personality was even more so. Kodai never met a stranger and treated everyone like they mattered. This made Kodai even more beautiful to Juuzou.

Kodai’s beauty was worthy of a magazine cover or billboard unlike his own scarred, disfigured mutilated body…

“You know,” Kodai leaned forward to place his mug on the table, “psychopaths don't contemplate their own shortcomings.” Once he set back he faced Juuzou, one leg propped against the back of the couch while the other slipped off. “They're too narcissistic for that.”

“How do you do that?”

Kodai rested his head back. “I read people well.” He held out a hand and motioned. “Come here.” Juuzou didn't hesitate. He scooted over to use Kodai as a pillow between Kodai’s legs. “Whatever you were thinking you're wrong.”

Juuzou sighed. “Okay.” He didn't believe it for a second and he had a sneaking suspicion Kodai knew it but the other didn't say anything. Instead Kodai simply held him and for that Juuzou was grateful.

Kodai just held him for a very long time until he was nearly falling asleep. He jerked a bit waking himself and he realized Shinohara couldn't do this with his wife anymore because of him… If he had been smarter, stronger it would've never happened.

“What are you thinking?” Kodai's voice penetrated his dark thoughts.

“I-” he licked his lips. Kodai petted his hair and that alone helped him feel just a little better, “Shinohara.” Was all he said but he knew Kodai would understand.

Kodai nearly hummed. His chest vibrated with it sending tickles down Juuzou’s body. “Psychopaths  don't get this upset and the certainly don't shoulder the blame for something that isn't their fault. In fact they don't feel bad about anything.”

Somehow that made Juuzou feel better. Maybe Kodai was right, Juuzou wasn't a psychopath? If that were true then a lot of psych evaluations were wrong. “How do you make others feel better when you're in pain?”

“It's a life skill.”

Juuzou sat up to look at him. “Why at all?”

Something shifted in Kodai's gaze. Juuzou didn't think he'd be able to comprehend it even if he understood human emotion. “Because to not would leave me feeling even more broken.”

His answer took Juuzou by surprise. He really had no idea what to say to that. What could one say? It was so, just so… It carried so much meaning Juuzou knew he'd need time to process what it all meant but even then he didn't think he'd fully figure it out.

He really looked at Kodai and took note of his red eyes and the slightly swollen bags underneath. Even this haggard and tired Kodai was simply beautiful to him. “I don't want you walking home this late and I can tell you're tired. You can sleep in the bed with me.”

Kodai nodded and once Juuzou turned off the TV they made into the bedroom together. Kodai took off his belt then necklace and placed both on the nightstand. He crawled into bed and curled up back to Juuzou.

Juuzou sighed then went about his nightly routine. Once in bed, back to Kodai, Juuzou felt cold and alone with so much space between them. Movement jostled him until a wonderful warmth along his back chased away the chill of loneliness. Kodai smoothed a hand over his shoulder and down his arm to lace their fingers together. “Night.” Kodai’s breath tickled along his ear.

“Goodnight.” Juuzou curled down into the covers and pillow with Kodai plastered to his back. It felt good to have another person there just to sleep, to not be alone. He knew he wouldn't be able to do this with anyone else, not even Shinohara. He wasn't talking about the cuddling, truth was he never thought he'd be capable, he was referring to feeling this comfortable, this safe with another person.

Kodai had managed to reach a part of him even Shinohara couldn't get near.

* * *

          


	9. Revelation

Juuzou sat across from Kodai along with Kaneki, Amon, Isamu, Akira and two other new investigator Juuzou didn’t know the names of. Usually at a rectangle table the ones on the end get cut off by the others leaning in, blocking them from the conversation. With Kodai that wasn’t the case. Despite being in the crappy seat all the others were sitting back and turned slightly toward him. He was engaging the others making them laugh and joking like a kid.

He fit in like a puzzle piece no one knew was missing. The man brought joy and laughter to a place otherwise dead and solemn with the responsibilities they carried. He treated everyone the same and was courteous to a fault. He didn’t care if someone was human or ghoul, either way he’d be your friend. Kodai also never judged anyone for their work or any tough decision made in the field. He’d listen to anyone talk about anything they needed to whether happy or depressing.

It almost became an event when Kodai came in to have lunch and today had been no different. Several others had stopped by to say hello or invite Kodai to lunch some time. He took in all the attention with ease and artfully avoided all invitations like a skilled wordsmith.

Another boisterous laugh from the table drew Juuzou’s attention but whatever they were talking about was of no interest to Juuzou.

He leaned on one elbow to observe Kodai without really looking at him. He felt rested for once in his life. The nightmares didn’t come with Kodai around. The man made him feel… Real? He was safe with Kodai. He treated Juuzou like an actual person, not an investigator and certainly not someone capable of murder.

Come to think of it Kodai had never put Juuzou down in regards to his work despite how differently they viewed ghouls. Kodai never made Juuzou feel bad about himself, in fact Kodai had only given Juuzou things to think about. That in of itself could be exhausting since Juuzou made it a point to not think at all.

Kodai pushed him in ways no one else ever could or even dared.

Juuzou regarded Kodai. He was leaning on the table, chin resting against his folded fingers. He was very androgynous today with neutral clothes and black shoes and his one wing necklace. Kodai was laughing but it was the small glances from him to Juuzou that caught Juuzou’s attention. There was always something there, something Juuzou didn’t quite understand and it bothered him.

He wanted the other man around all the time. When Kodai had to work on Mondays and Tuesdays Juuzou’s stomach would tie up in knots with nerves. On those days they hardly talked and that was even worse for Juuzou. He hadn't known Kodai for very long but he’d come to rely on the man for his own inner peace and that troubled him.

How could someone in such a short time come to mean so much to him?

“Juuzou?” Amon calling his name drew his attention to the man. “Did you hear me?”

“No,” he sighed then returned his gaze to Kodai, “what is it?”

Amon cleared his throat. “The past two Mondays someone has left one white rose in Shinohara’s room. Was that you?”

Juuzou frowned, his attention snapping back to Amon. “No.”

“Oh,” he shrugged, “I thought it was.”

The conversation steered somewhere else losing Juuzou’s attention. Instead he focused back on Kodai. He was watching Juuzou with that look again. It left Juuzou feeling exposed and open to those eyes so green it was like looking into the depths of an endless rainforest.

“Psychopaths don’t do that.” Despite his quiet voice the entire table fell quiet at Kodai’s words.

Juuzou sighed. Kodai was mentally exhausting for him. Despite feeling rested from actual real sleep Kodai had been pushing this every day since their first lunch almost a month ago. He didn’t have it in him to respond and the eyes from the other’s at the table felt like sharp needles over his skin. He looked away and got up to walk off towards the bathroom.

He felt multiple eyes on him and did his best to just keep walking. “How would you feel if I was dead?” That stopped Juuzou in his tracks. He whirled back around, eyes wide, to look at Kodai. The other man was sitting up in his chair and looking at Juuzou as if he were the only person in the room. “If you could never talk to me,” he got up to close in on Juuzou, “never see me ever again because I was gone, how would you feel?”

Juuzou stood frozen. He could barely breath. His chest constricted, his heart physically hurt. Something stung his eyes but he didn’t understand what it meant. His stomach constricted and fell to the floor. Life without Kodai was… It was…

“You can’t imagine it can you?” Another step. “You can’t because a reality without me is incomprehensible for you.” And another.

Kodai was right. He didn’t know what life without Kodai was anymore.

“If I was gone forever,” he was close now, so close Juuzou could smell his shampoo, “you would mourn me.” A touch to his hand prompted Juuzou to hold on for dear life. “You would miss me.” Kodai was looking at him with such emotion Juuzou couldn’t move. “How do you feel about me, love?”

He swallowed. “I-” What should he say? He didn’t know what to say… He didn’t… couldn’t voice how he felt because even he didn’t completely understand.

“Do you want to be near me?” Kodai stepped closer as he nodded. “Hold my hand?” He squeezed Kodai’s hand as his answer. He was so close Juuzou had to look up, their noses mere inches apart. “Have you ever wanted to kiss me?” Kodai’s other hand cupped his cheek, a finger traced the bridge of his nose, his lips.

Truth be told he hadn't thought about it until it was brought up and it certainly had its appeal. He nodded and something in those green eyes shifted into a more feral glare. He knew because he’d seen it in the mirror when on a hunt.

Kodai tilted his chin up then leaned in. Lips touched his and Juuzou melted. “Hm.” He’d never felt anything like this before. Kodai’s tongue licked his bottom lip and Juuzou opened for him. Kodai slipped inside along the inside of his teeth tickling the roof of his mouth. Kodai’s tongue brushed over his enticing him into a different battle, one he’d never fought before, one he was losing.

All too soon Kodai pulled away with Juuzou leaning in after him. His forehead rested against Juuzou’s, his hand moved back into Juuzou’s hair. “Psychopaths don’t want, need love, Juuzou.” His whisper was so quiet Juuzou closed his eyes in order to focus on him. “Do you love me?”

The fair when Kodai was smiling at him telling him to live a little popped into his head. “Yes.” That was the moment he fell in love. He looked up into a forest of green. “Do you love me?” If Kodai said no or hesitated Juuzou’s heart would crack in two. Out in the field he was strong, confident in his fighting and at times a totally nutjob but right now he was as fragile as finally spun glass.

“Yes, I love you, Rude Little Thing.”

He barked a laugh. “I’m not a psychopath, am I?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks.” A light kiss tickled his forehead.

He swallowed. “What now? I don’t…”

“Shh.” Kodai kissed him again, this one was less intense but just as important to Juuzou. “Now you go back to work and tonight we meet at your place before dinner as planned.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.” Kodai was so confident and sure of himself.

Juuzou wished he’d could be that way all the time and not just when he was battling ghouls. He nodded to show he understood.

“Hey?”

“Hm?”

Kodai leaned in and stole another kiss. “I promise I’ll always protect you.” Juuzou took a deep breath because he finally understood what Kodai meant. He would protect Juuzou’s heart.

“That was hot as fuck,” Isamu was damn near drooling at them.

Kodai winked and Juuzou’s heart fluttered. “Yeah, he is.” His face felt like a burning ember and he just knew Kodai couldn’t be any happier about it.

* * *

          


	10. Hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I've been absent. Went on vacation and came back only to be hospitalized with pneumonia for almost two weeks. I already had this chapter written which is why I'm posting it.
> 
> If you follow RH Null I'll posting to that one this week.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who checked in with me through my blog while I was out! It really meant a lot to me!

Juuzou trudged home much later than he intended. He was supposed to meet Kodai hours ago but things got a little heated after Kodai left headquarters.

Chatter of Aogiri Tree planning to overtake a caravan had the investigators on high alert. They had attacked but White Knight intervened before any real damage was done. The unknown powerful ghoul had protected them and kept the caravan mostly on schedule.

Juuzou, Kaneki, Amon and Akira were ordered as extra protection for the caravan then there was the paperwork… Kaneki was better at it than he was but this time he couldn’t wiggle out of it.

Once inside his building he opened his door to soft dramatic dubstep. Lit candles were on his kitchen countertops. He kicked off his shoes then noticed the door to his balcony was open.

A small smile tugged the corners of his mouth. He padded over to the door to find Kodai looking into the sky. He bit his lip then stepped out and leaned over the railing. “I didn’t think you’d still be here.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

A deep breath helped center him. He turned to face Kodai only because he wanted to look at him. “I was late.”

“You said you’d be.”

“Yeah but…”

“It’s alright, Jai. I don’t mind waiting.” Why did he think Kodai meant something more by that? Kodai rested his head on the back of the chair to look at him, too. “Why do you only have one chair out here?”

He shrugged. “Never had a reason to get another.”

“We’ll have to get another one. You and I can sit out here under the stars. You read and I’ll draw.”

Kodai said we. Did he…? “Do you plan on sticking around that long?”

“I plan on sticking around for as long as you’ll have me.”

“What if I want you for eternity?”

“Then eternity you shall have me.”

“Guess we need another chair.”

“Yeah,” Kodai scooted down in the chair a bit, “come here.”

Juuzou took the offered hand. “Aw!” Kodai tugged him, tripping him into his lap. He adjusted himself to straddle Kodai’s lap. “What are you- Hm.” Juuzou’s train of thought left as Kodai kissed him. Teeth nibbled his bottom lip causing Juuzou to groan. He wrapped his arms around Kodai’s neck as the other’s hands moved over his thighs.

This slow torture continued until Juuzou was going to explode. “Kodai, I need…” He trailed off unsure of what to say.

“What do you need, love? Tell me.”

Kisses peppered his neck short-circuiting his brain. “I don’t- haven’t ever- never even… Oh, god. Kodai.” His earlobe was the hostage of Kodai’s teeth.

Kodai leaned back. “Jai?” He was serious. “Have you ever done anything before?”

“You gotta be clearer than that.”

“Anything sexual.”

“Oh…” Heat flushed his cheeks. “No… I don’t even-” he stopped to swallow, “touch myself.”

“Well that’s a bloody shame.” Fingers played with the hem of his shirt. “Cause one day I’d really like to watch that.” Feelings and sensations Juuzou didn’t understand flooded his system. “If this is going to continue I need you to answer my next question honestly.” He nodded. “When you were little didn’t anyone ever touch you?”

He frowned and leaned back a bit. “Like my arm or something?”

Kodai shook his head no. “Down below, love.” Gentle hands smoothed up his sides.

A flash of momma holding a bloody knife with a deranged smile took hold. His hands tied above his head, legs spread with a bar, blood curdling screams bounced off the stone walls... “She… cut me.” He’d never told anyone that before… Fear constricted his chest making it hard to breathe. What would Kodai think of- “Mmm.” Any fear ran away under Kodai’s kiss.

“I still love you.” Kodai nipped his lip. “If you don’t want to do this it’s okay. I’ve waited a very long time for you, a little more time won’t hurt.”

“We met a month ago.”

Kodai chuckled. “No, love, I’ve been waiting for  _ you _ , the man that I love for a very, very long time.”

“When did you know?”

“When a Rude Little Thing tried to steal my paper.”

Juuzou blinked. “Wha- what?”

“I noticed you the second you walked in and I fell in love with you the moment I spoke with you.”

Juuzou wasn’t going to overthink this. He was just going to accept it. Leaning in to initiate a kiss felt like the most natural thing for him to do. Kodai groaned underneath him. “I get how this works between two men but I don’t think I can… Um, be the taker, does that make sense?”

Kodai leaned back, his eyes darker than Juuzou remembered. “Jai, I’ll take anything you want to give me.” It took a second for Kodai’s words to sink in but the moment they did Juuzou bit his lower lip. “Take your shirt off.”

A sound between a whine and moan escaped him. It was a noise he had no idea he could make. “Kodai, I have scars…”

Kodai looked at him as if he were the center of his universe. He wondered if that was his expression when he looked at Kodai. “Show me how beautiful you are.”

Heat flushed his cheeks. His hands shook as he released one button at a time. Kodai’s gaze followed his movements. Those eyes so beautiful drank in his ugly scarring…

Kodai growled, actually fucking growled, then reached up to rip open his shirt. Buttons flew every which way. If he didn’t know any better he could swear Kodai’s eyes glowed a bit. Light, ghostly touches tickled over a jagged scar that went from the center of his chest to across and back over his ribcage. Kodai leaned forward to take a kiss. “You’re beautiful.” His whisper sent a chill down Juuzou’s spine. “So beautiful.” He kissed along his jaw to his ear, down his neck, to nibble and lick his collar bone.

Juuzou was panting, his body alive in ways he never knew was possible. All of it pooled between his legs. A very obvious bulge underneath him promoted Juuzou to move his hips. Kodai growled again and started moving down his body to trace every scar with his lips and tongue.

The way Kodai worshipped him made Juuzou feel whole. With Kodai he was normal. “Kodai? Please…” He had no idea what he was begging for or even why but he was and he’d do it again. “Kodai!” The man stood taking Juuzou with him. Kodai never stopped kissing him but dropped his legs while keeping him safe with a hold on his lower back.

His back hit the railing. “Beautiful.” Kodai whispered as he sank to his knees all the while kissing a trail down. His teeth masterfully unbuttoned his pants and Juuzou briefly wondered how he did that. His zipper fared about the same and all too soon his pants and boxers were gone leaving him exposed to the night air and Kodai’s gaze. He never exposed himself to anyone before. “You, Juuzou Suzuya, are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.” Juuzou didn’t understand how Kodai could say that. Besides the scars from momma, the arena and his work, Big Madam had tried to castrate him in order to make him more into a living doll.

One testicle was gone, the other was mostly there. A large, jagged scar ran the length of his penis from momma’s dull knife. Over the years the scar had stretched enough to not exactly hurt anymore when he was hard but it pulled. And right then it was pulling harder than it ever had before.

Kodai licked his lips and once again Juuzou swore his eyes were glowing. “Kodai, I- Shit!” Wet warmth enveloped him entirely. One hand buried itself in Kodai’s hair while the other gripped the railing for dear life. “We could be- oh damn…” Kodai’s tongue zigzagged over him as Kodai pulled away, “seen.”

With a pop, Kodai’s lips left him with a smile. Despite how much he loved his smile he really wanted that mouth back on him. “The thought of bein’ caught doesn’t turn you on?” A shot of adrenaline shot down his body. His dick jumped causing Kodai’s smile to broaden. “It does, doesn’t it?” Kodai stood and Juuzou found himself captured by him. A kiss stole his breath and strong hands helped him wrap his legs around Kodai’s waist. “Someone watching us.” Kodai lifted him up with an around his back. “Watching you.” Juuzou wrapped his arms around Kodai’s neck. “Others can look at what’s mine but not touch.”

Kodai about faced and carried him back into the apartment all the while kissing him wherever he could. “Kod- Oof!” Juuzou landed supine on the couch. Kodai was on top of him, between his legs. Another kiss short circuited his brain.

“You,” Kodai’s hand disappeared between them drawing Juuzou’s attention. The darkness kept Kodai’s movements hidden but he had a very good idea what was happening. “Jai, are mine.”

“I- Ohhh, my god…” A moan ripped from his throat. Kodai gripped them both in one hand and tugged. Juuzou’s own hand shot down to take over.

“Juuzou…” The way Kodai groaned his name was one of the sweetest things Juuzou had ever heard. Kodai leaned in to nibble his neck. Encouraged, Juuzou began to tug. Kodai moaned and moved his hips fucking Juuzou’s hand. “Jai? I need you to fuck me. Please fuck me?” Scratch that, Kodai’s begging was the sweetest thing he’d ever heard.

“I don’t know what I’m…” He trailed off.

Kodai pulled away just enough to look Juuzou in the eye. Those eyes so green nearly drowned him with the depth of their understanding. “I’ll happily guide you.” Another kiss stolen, but willingly given, was taken leaving Juuzou winded.

Their gazes locked again and for the millionth time Juuzou wondered what the man was thinking. That smile melted him.

He never stood a chance against Kodai and the thing was he never wanted to fight.

* * *

 

          


	11. Promise?

The cabinet door slamming shut cracked the air in the breakroom. Juuzou was… he was… Fuck, he didn’t know. Last night he and Kodai… They had…

White cabinets faded away. He was back on the couch under Kodai. “Jai? I need you to fuck me. Please fuck me?” Kodai flipped them putting Juuzou on top… Kodai guided him in what to do. After some erotic preparations Juuzou had entered Kodai, something he never thought he’d do with anyone. Together they moved as one and Juuzou found the most pleasurable experience of his life with Kodai.

When it was over Kodai had kissed him and confessed his love again for Juuzou. In that moment, Kodai completely stole his heart and captured his soul. Both of which he thought were robbed from him a long time ago by Big Madam. Kodai had proven him wrong.

He completely belonged to Kodai making him realize there was so much to lose and he fucking hated it.

Fear gripped his heart sending waves of anxiety through his gut.

If Kodai left him or… Juuzou swallowed back the rising bile… if he died… What if Juuzou accidentally hurt Kodai like he had before in the alley? What if Kodai became caught in the crosshairs of his work? Kodai’s death would be all his fault…

“Juuzou?” Kaneki’s voice dragged him back.

He gritted his teeth. “What?” His words were short and curt but he didn’t have it in him to be apologetic about it.

“If you keep slamming things we’ll be out a kitchen until it’s fixed.”

“I don’t fucking care.” Juuzou went about heating up a snack he knew he wouldn't eat. He just needed something to do…

He heard the ghoul moving behind him. “Is this about Shinohara?” The ghoul leaned against the counter, arms crossed.

That morning Juuzou had learned there was a complication with Shinohara last night. He had flatlined for three minutes before they got him back. There was talk of possible brain damage. Shinohara was monitored closely afterwards, it was touch and go until this morning when he took a turn for the better. It was sort of off since between the fifteen to twenty minute intervals of nurses checking him he went from stagnant to improving. It wasn't a gradual thing but nearly instantaneous. There was a white rose but it wasn't Monday and no one had seen anyone coming or going. “He’s fine now.”

He heard Kaneki move again. “Okay, not Shinohara. What happened with Kodai?”

“What the fuck makes you think something happened?” He rounded on the ghoul, fists clenched, ready to swing.

The ghoul’s dark eyes merely looked at him. “Because you’re being a dick.”

Juuzou’s jaw tightened. If he didn’t think Kaneki could hand him his ass he’d punch the son of a bitch out. Instead he chose to turn his back on the ghoul and watch the microwave instead.

“You ran away.” That voice… Juuzou spun around to face Kodai. He stood halfway between himself and the door looking haggard, his clothes askew. “Why did you run from me?”

If anything happened to Kodai it’d be all his fault… He lived through Shinohara but he couldn’t bare the thought of Kodai in a hospital bed or worse a coffin… He couldn’t do that to Kodai… He couldn’t be the reason. “Get the fuck away from me.”

He marched forward. When he passed Kodai everything within him screamed to reach out to him but he fought the impulse. “Juuzou, please.” Kodai reached for him. Those hands on him…

“No!” His first tightened. He spun swinging catching Kodai’s jaw.

Juuzou’s chest tightened down and his eyes went wide. It was like slow motion watching Kodai’s head snap to the side, his steps falter. Kodai smashed into the cabinets then fell. His side caught the hardware on the way and Kodai grimaced. Rebellious bangs blocked his face but Juuzou saw the blood dripping from his mouth to the stark white flooring.

Fear gripped his insides. Did he really just…? “Kodai, I-” He backed up a step but a full bodied shake nearly knocked him to the ground.

A groan of pain came from Kodai. One hand pressed against his abused side while the other went to his bleeding lip. Green eyes found him but Juuzou saw nothing but the same love he’d seen last night when they were together. “Jai?” Kodai stood but he swayed blinking his eyes no doubt trying to clear the stars. “Juuzou? Please?” Kodai reached for him, blood covered his fingers. Spatters stained his shirt.

Juuzou’s feet shuffled forward of their own accord, he couldn't resist him. Kodai grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. Juuzou’s anger and self doubt melted under Kodai’s immediate forgiveness. “Juuzou.” Kodai spoke into his hair. “I will always come back to you. I promise.”

How did Kodai always know what was going on with him? Was he that transparent? “Promise?”

“Have I ever broken my word?” He shook his head no. Something stung his eyes but he still didn’t understand what it meant. It still scared him how much Kodai meant to him. What Kodai meant to him. Everything he had was in his arms and he was terrified.

“I love you, Juuzou.”

After what he did he didn’t understand how-

“It’s okay, Jai. You’re scared. This is new for you.” Kodai’s arms tightened making Juuzou feel secure. “I understand.” Kodai pulled away just enough for a kiss. “It’s okay.”

“Hurting you is never okay.”

Kodai gave him a small smile at his parroted words from just a few nights before. “I understand that, too.”

Juuzou couldn’t bare to stare into those eyes; instead, he focused on Kodai’s jaw. A nasty bruise was already forming. His split lip looked painful. Juuzou lifted Kodai’s shirt to find a livid bruise over one of Kodai’s ribs. It was deep and angry looking. A gentle touch had Kodai flinching away with a hiss. Nausea churned his stomach. He did this… 

“Juuzou?”

He shook his head no. “We have to get you to medical.”

“No.” Kodai’s rejection caught him off guard. “It’s cracked. There’s nothing they can do. Besides they’d prescribe pain meds and I’d really rather not.” Kodai squeezed his hand.

There was a fog over Kodai’s eyes, one he’d seen in his own. “You know from experience.”

“You’re learning.” Kodai’s smile wasn’t right. This one was sad as if held back by a memory one would rather forget. “Ice?”

Kodai’s request spurred Juuzou into action. Kaneki was still leaning against the counter looking on in surprise. “Juuzou?”

“Save it, Kaneki.”

“Hey,” Kaneki invaded his space, “he is exhausted.” Kaneki’s gaze flicked to Kodai. “About to damn near fall over, if I had a guess.” Juuzou frowned. “Take the day and take care of him, I’ll cover for you. You two could use it anyway.” Kaneki squeezed his shoulder. That was their first friendly contact. “Besides, I think he needs you more than he’s letting on.” Kaneki leaned in so close his white hair tickled Juuzou’s nose. “By running from whatever it is you scared him half to death and of anyone, Juuzou, Kodai doesn’t deserve that.” Kaneki pulled away to glance at Kodai leaning heavily against the counter before whispering to him again. “Take him home and take care of him and for fucks sake don’t punch him anymore or I’ll kick your ass. I'll take care of this.” He pointed a thumb at Kodai’s blood on the floor. “Don't worry about it.”

Juuzou grabbed two ice packs then glanced at Kodai. How did he miss how exhausted Kodai was? His own selfish small breakdown moment was the answer. “I’ll take him now.” The ghoul, no, his partner nodded and walked off. “Kaneki?”

He stopped in the doorway. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Kaneki smiled with a nod. “No problem.”

Juuzou looked back to Kodai who was smiling at him. “I’m proud of you.”

His cheeks flushed but he ignored the heat in favor of handing Kodai the packs and helping him out of the office with an arm over his shoulder.

* * *

          


End file.
